Looking back

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The night I came home to find Joe, I thought my life was over. I didn’t know how to go on in a world where he no longer existed, nor did I want to. There were times months later that I begged God to take me, because the pain was unbearable.  It’s like a rug was literally pulled out from under me and I had to take care of everything. That was a lot to deal with on top of losing him.

In the beginning the bad days outweighed the good by far, but as the months went on, I realized he wouldn’t want me to feel guilty for having fun and going on with my life.  I had my boys to live for and they are my EVERYTHING. I also had a great support system in my family and close friends.  Some of which, went above and beyond to make sure I kept on going and I will forever be grateful for them.

Here I stand almost two years later, stronger than I ever thought possible.  I’ve helped others who have lost a loved one to suicide and will continue to do so. If I can make a difference in just one person’s life, than I have accomplished something.

Keep your paws to yourself

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I’ve wrestled with the subject of this blog for awhile now and whether or not I should speak on it. It’s something I’m truly passionate about, so I decided to go for it. I’m writing it from a woman’s POV for obvious reasons.

I have never understood the appeal to go after, let alone mess around with a married man. Why would anyone deliberately go after someone who is already committed to another? Have women become so desperate that they think they don’t deserve a man of their own? I guess to most women it’s a game, they like the challenge and the fact that they aren’t looking for a commitment. More often than not, what starts out as just an intimate affair becomes way more for the woman. They get attached and want the man to leave his family and when that doesn’t happen, things turn ugly.

The saddest part is society now glamorizes homewreckers with such shows or garbage as I call them, like Scandal, Mistresses, & Betrayal. When did we all become so excepting of such behavior that we just put it out there for all the world to watch?

Women you need to have some self respect and keep it classy. If a man is married, regardless of whether he’s currently happy, he’s off limits. I don’t care what story you’re hearing, don’t put yourself in a situation you wouldn’t want to be in.  Marriage is sacred and should be treasured. I would never break up anyone’s home because I wouldn’t want it done to me.

Come on it’s one of the 10 commandments for goodness sake, “Thou shalt not commit adultery”. (Exodus 20:14) 

What’s a girl to do

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All my previous blogs were serious, this one is quite different. Some may laugh while others may question my sanity. None the less, these are my thoughts.

Since I was forced into being single, there are particular things that now plague my mind that I never really worried about (mainly because I knew what Joe liked). Some people tend to get comfortable in a relationship and let themselves go, which is the case with myself. I’m trying to pull myself back together piece by piece and once again take pride in how I look and present myself to the outside world.

I find myself asking questions such as; lace, silk, cotton, and/or thong, bikini, cheeky, boy cut? What is considered sexy nowadays, cause I’m clueless? Not that I’m looking for anyone, but I want to feel sexy. Because we all know when a woman feels sexy and confident, she holds her head up high and walks with such confidence. I’m not nor have I ever been a fashion person and I normally don’t pick the most flattering clothes for my body type. I’m literally a work in progress from the inside out.

Through my eyes

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I’m a silent observer watching the world and people around me, taking in conversations and stories. How is it that sacred vows that were spoken before God are taken for granted? Nowadays people would rather walk away or cheat when the going gets rough, instead of working out the problem with the very one that you vowed to love, honor and cherish until death do you part. Marriage is work, you don’t give up trying once you say “I do”.

I know some marriages fail after kids come along because there isn’t enough time spent on your spouse. Kids take up a lot of time, that’s why you have to make the time for your significant other. One or two days a month dedicated to the one you love isn’t a whole lot to ask for, considering you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. You have to continue to date your spouse in order to keep things alive. It’s not about the money spent on things, it’s about time and the thought behind what you do. I use to love getting little notes from Joe in the most unexpected places. Those notes meant the entire world to me and brightened my day.

Every couple should take the time out and really evaluate what it is that they want to see happen in their current situation. Come up with ideas to make the relationship better and if by any chance you don’t feel it can be better, then walking away is for the best. You should ALWAYS strive to lift one another up. Let them know you are proud and you appreciate everything they do for you. When you do this, it makes that person feel good and want to be a better person not only for you, but themselves too. I only wish I still had the opportunity to express to Joe how very proud of him I was. I did let him know while he was here, but I could have done it more often.

As a society, we should get back to valuing people and relationships, instead of things. The world would truly be a much better place.

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To be loved

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To be loved and treasured is one of the greatest feelings in the world. To know that another person would walk through hell just to make you happy, is indescribable. For a person to hold you above everything else, is real love. I was given that kind of love, and I wish I would have taken better care of it.

It’s the tender moments you never think twice about, that you end up missing the most. The times you sit together for hours not saying a word, just enjoying each others company or doing the silliest stuff in the world just to get a smile. I have so many memories to hold on to, but they will never fulfill the ache in my heart and my longing to be held once again. To no longer hear “I love you”, is at times, unbearable.

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Loving another

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Love is something most of us take for granted. I for one know this to be true and sadly it took losing my husband to realize this. I always thought he would be with me and we would grow old together. The love I shared with Joe truly was a “once in a lifetime” kind of love. Many people don’t get a chance to experience what I shared with him and that’s heart breaking. We could feel each others presence without actually knowing the other was near. We completed one another’s thoughts and or sentences on a regular basis. All either of us wanted was to truly make the other person happy above our own happiness.

He’s been gone for 10 months and at this moment I can’t imagine loving another or wanting to. There’s no room in my heart for anyone else because I’m consumed with my love for him. I don’t understand how people enter into a new relationship within the first year after losing someone. Regardless of how you lose a loved one, to me it’s a slap in the face to the one you loved if you are able to move on so quickly. If it’s fear of being alone, then those are the ones who truly need the time alone to heal and do some soul searching. I know our loved ones wouldn’t want us to be lonely, but to move onto someone else in such a short time is mind blowing to me. I might be the only person that feels this way, and honestly that’s fine by me.

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